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Let me be not do.

October 9, 2011

I’ve had my respite of 4 days then, 4 days away from my jobs and uni. Yes, I’ve slept and languished in my lie ins but I can’t escape the ever present sense of all that needs to be done, things of necessity and things I purely want to do, to accomplish something other than the mundane necessary things that need to be done. Things that fulfill and add colour to the black and white and give worth to these passing moments.

I’m feeling hemmed in by all the ‘to do’ lists and agendas I set myself. I’m constantly noting niggles down of what needs doing and god forbid if I don’t note it down and forget about it- that thought on its own stresses me and I can’t relax. I think of something and then literally a second later I have completely forgotten what it was, surely a sign of too many things flying across my mind?

Being organised is taking me too far, everything has to be planned, why? I need to let go.

This is a time of change when lots of things are starting and my mind is absorbed with arranging the logistics of fitting everything in, my job at the sixth form college, job at the castle, starting my postgraduate study at university, playing hockey, seeing James, friends, writing and al the extras. They are all pieces that need to fit and mesh and somehow become one smooth, coherent picture that I live, a picture only I can create through advanced planning and organisation, oh but that’s to loose the freedom of just living.

I need to focus on the main things instead of aiming for everything.

I want a day, one solitary day to be filled with nothing and empty of obligations. A day to just be instead of a day to do. An empty day for things to occur spontaneously, a day where I do not once reach for my diary or planner or to do list and just focus on living the here and now instead of the tomorrow and future. A day where each moment unfolds link by link, a whimsical, fanciful day of freedom and frolicking (see photos above for such moments that I mean). A day of small steps into each moment instead of frantic, giant, estimated leaps into the future.

I can’t remember the last time I was bored though….perhaps as you get older the less chance you get to be bored until it never happens?

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