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too late?

February 6, 2013

By this age is your life set on a certain course, is it ever set on a certain course and can we change its direction when we want? But sketched across my horizon are ifs and buts of why this can be and why that cannot be and I want to erase them so that anything is possible.

Some days I do think everything is possible and others I  think nothing is and I wonder how can that be, how can the same person believe in everything whilst simultaneously believing in nothing.

I’m starting to believe that all the job applications I ever send are sent to the same mocking person who sees I’ve tried again and laughs at my poor attempts to portray who I am and what I am capable of via a piece of paper, where my life and all my past achievements and experiences have to be placed within carefully construed boxes that allow no expression of you are. It is an impasse and a burdening need to know which way now and finding its never going to be in the direction you thought.  

I’m feeling that life is passing me by but is it really? If I can find enough in each day and discover some new thought and perspective that finds me sitting right in the belly of living, noticing I’m alive and the moments that make me feel that way then life is always present and not a passive thing. Present living, not passive living where the days hurl by you and you can’t tell one from the other, I want each day to have something significant in it for me that marks it out as a unique as that specific day, a character unto itself .

There will never be another Wednesday 6th February 2013-never, I will never have as long left of this life as I have right now this second- never so all of it has to count for something. I need to use my seconds like water to a dying man, utterly valuable and entirely necessary.

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